New Narratives: Feeling down under

Through New Narratives, we’ll explore the multi-faceted nature of loneliness by sharing insights and stories from as many perspectives as possible, not only to help bridge the gap between isolation and connection but to also enrich our community’s understanding of loneliness.

Today’s narrative has been written by Paul Dolby, founder of Spoke International.

Loneliness in Australia

Loneliness has tried to kill me twice. In actual fact, it was my lack of understanding of loneliness that led to me making these two terrible mistakes. As a species, we are curious by design. Programmed to ask questions, desperate for information. That’s why storytelling is a human universal. It exists in every part of the world, including remote tribes, and in every period of human history. We are the storytelling species, but why? Studies have found the first real-world evidence that human beings evolved into storytellers because it gave us an evolutionary edge. Anthropologists from University College London have discovered that indigenous tribe’s best storytellers were more popular that the best hunters and foragers and had greater reproductive success. In other words, nature appeared to be selecting based on storytelling ability… I believe that storytelling holds the key to shifting the understanding and impacts of loneliness. My name is Paul Dolby. I am the founder of Spoke International. I’d like to share a small part of my story, in the hope that we can rediscover the superpower that has sustained us as a species for thousands of years. In 2001, I left the UK for Australia. It took me 22 years to understand why. On the opposite side of the planet, I found a job, a sports club, I met a girl, I got married, I had 2 beautiful kids. I did what I was programmed to do. In my new world, we “progressed” from 2 incomes to 1, from 2 mouths to feed to 4, the sales targets and pressure increased and, it seemed, someone was upping the speed of the treadmill of day-to-day survival. In 2013 the phone rang and I was diagnosed with a brain tumour. This was the catalyst for an unexpected journey into loneliness. A journey I am still trying to navigate, but one that has given me the opportunity to stop, turn around and learn the truth of my own story. Between 2013 and 2018, as a direct result of the diagnosis, I lost my marriage, my career, my identity, my security and my purpose. This led to me attempting suicide in 2018 (I was saved by a pair of my daughter’s socks) and again in October of 2023. Both were awful mistakes that I shouldn’t have made. The combined load of my physical and financial challenges, compounded by my interactions with Insurers, government bodies and my ex-employer, had seen me unwittingly transition from transient to chronic loneliness. When I’d needed support most, where were my 500+ LinkedIn “connections” and my 1,000+ Facebook “Friends”? They were moving forward, whilst I was standing still. Typically, it’s only during suffering, grief or loss that we truly appreciate who and what deserves our focus and attention. The realisation that time and true connection are in fact more valuable than bank balances and “likes” was a life changing moment. My time, energy and headspace had been spent almost exclusively on the “outer wheel” of my life, to the detriment of my “Spokes” (my most important people) meaning that when my wheel hit a significant bump in the road, it collapsed and I couldn’t move forward. Between 2019 & 2020, I wrote 3 letters. To my Mother, my Daughter and my ex-wife. Each letter was written over a period of several months and (from my perspective) driven by curiosity and gratitude. I shared parts of my own story, and feelings for them, that they never would have heard had I taken my own life. My Unsaids. These letters were the catalyst for unexpected change in each of the relationships. Each has become a story in and of itself, but the greatest learning, in respect to my own loneliness, came from my Mother. Following the letter I sent, our conversations changed. It was an evolving process, but during our weekly face-time calls, each time I shared a little more about my feelings, thoughts and challenges. And, it seemed, my mother was able to do the same. We were getting closer… 18 months on from sending my letter, we were face to face in the UK. Being in the same space, as someone so influential in your life, it’s difficult to not revert to historical, emotional assumptions and responses. And so, as was often the case, our deep seated history came to the surface and within a matter of hours we were at loggerheads. As a circuit breaker, I came back to explaining what I was trying to achieve with Unsaids & Spoke and the letter I had previously sent. An hour later my Mum came to the room where I was packing to return to Australia (yet again frustrated and sad about our fractured relationship). What she shared over the next hour changed my entire understanding of our history. She shared 2 handwritten letters from her father, 11 days apart, both written from his hospital bed, the second written the day before he came home to die. His handwriting changed so dramatically, from the first to the second letter, it demonstrated how quickly  his health declined. The words told just how much he loved his wife and 2 small girls. My Mum then shared the story of the day my Grandfather passed away. What she witnessed that day, and the subsequent actions of others, changed the course of her life and the way she would view the world, forever. For the first time, I saw a terrified 13 year old girl, holding on to 2 letters, the only connection she had back to the last time she had felt safe and connected. What followed for her were 70 years of loneliness, 70 years of fear, 70 years of suppression. I was only the second person in 70 years to see those letters. That hour changed my life, but my reaction to this had dangerous consequences. What happened to my Mum, as a small girl led her to try to find a way to keep herself and her loved ones (my sister and I) safe. Anything to try to gain some control. Fearful that anything she loved would be taken away. Being wrapped so tightly led to very different outcomes for my sister and I. She remains anchored to the place we were born, fearful of change or risk. My reaction was to get away as far away as I could, fearful of control, commitment and “safety”. My Mother’s worst fears played out and she lost her son. I was completely unaware of why this was happening, until the day my mother shared her story. I returned to Australia angry and lost. This led to a second suicide attempt in October of 2023 – in what I now understand to have been as a result of a combination of my persistent tumour symptoms, absolute fatigue and the realisation that I had changed the course of my life based on “thoughts, not facts”. I was incredibly lucky to be admitted into a Ramsey Health Clinic, here in Sydney following that second attempt, and to have the opportunity to reset. I did this alongside some incredible human beings. I met with many military veterans, ranging in age from their 20’s to their 60’s and some of the most well qualified minds in mental health care. There is little doubt that I have been following the traditional path of grief, (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) I just had no idea I was doing it over a period of almost 50 years, and the origin of that grief. It was my Mother’s grief and loneliness, unaddressed, that left me in a perpetual state of what I would now describe as “Internal Loneliness”. The common factor in almost every case within the clinic? Situations, be they actions required to be taken under order, or ongoing behaviour that is required for “survival” that are in direct conflict with our instinctive belief system. And then how do we deal with those experiences moving forward?

So with this knowledge, what can we do?

“Family pathology rolls from generation to generation like a fire in the woods taking down everything in its path until one person, in one generation, has the courage to turn and face the flames. That person brings peace to his ancestors and spares the children that follow.” – Terence Real “US”

We all have an opportunity and a responsibility to embrace feelings of loneliness. Loneliness is our friend and one we need to listen to. It is almost certainly telling us that there are gaps. Gaps in our story, gaps in our relationships, gaps in our “purpose”. The sooner we give loneliness the credit it deserves, the better chance we have of living a life “on purpose” As for my Mother and I? We still have our differences. We still have our challenges. No-one is to blame. The tragedy is that our inability to share the story earlier has led to our lives being lived without the authentic connection we both so desperately crave. Please don’t make my mistakes. Please take a step back and try to identify your Spokes. Tell them how you feel, and be vulnerable. If they are a potential Spoke, they will do the same and it’s amazing what you can learn. Our opportunity for change is right behind and in front of us.