New Narratives: The New Normal

Through ‘New Narratives’, we’ll explore the multi-faceted nature of loneliness by sharing insights and stories from as many perspectives as possible, not only to help bridge the gap between isolation and connection but to also enrich our community’s understanding of loneliness.

Today’s narrative has been written by Benjamin May, co-founder of The New Normal Charity which has supported thousands of individuals across 30+ countries, providing over 1,500 meetings since their first gathering in London just six years ago.

Through his own journey of loss, Ben recognised the profound loneliness that often accompanies grief. From this, he co-founded The New Normal Charity, creating peer support groups across the globe that bring people together during one of life’s loneliest moments – coping with bereavement.

Ben’s Story

I remember everything about the phone call with my dad. It was a warm early summer day when he rang. I was at work in my shop on Portobello Road when my phone went, I picked it up and saw his name and walked out of the shop and to the other side of the road, away from anyone who might want to listen to what came next.

“I’m sorry mate, I’m just so sorry” he kept repeating as I kept reassuring him everything was ok, it would be ok. As I stood looking back across to the shop, I could feel the sun on the back of my neck, and watched as a car passed down the street. My dad had just told me that he was dying, his cancer was terminal and the doctors had given him no more than 12 to 13 months to live.

We spoke for a few more minutes before he said he had to go, and I realised I needed to be back in the shop as my next customer was sitting down in my chair.

I told him I loved him and that I would make the journey home to see him on the weekend. I assured him that everything would be ok and that we would get through whatever it was that we had in front of us. We were a close family and this would no doubt bond us together evermore. However, as I ended the call, a wave of loneliness washed over me and in that moment, I’d never felt more alone. Stood in the warm sunshine, looking back to the shop, I felt something I recognised, but had only known it once before.

Here I was, isolated in my news.

The coming days weren’t easy. I struggled to connect with anyone and found the platitudes grow more and more frustrating with each “sorry’. I began to ask “Why? Are you the tumour?” To which no one would reply and my loneliness compounded. All I wanted was to find a voice that said, ‘I understand, I see you and I am here to listen to all you have to say’. Then, it happened.

A little after my dad was diagnosed, a young man walked into my barbershop and sat in my chair. I didn’t know him, we had never met, he had found me through social media and travelled all the way from Brentwood in Essex to Notting Hill. He sat down, we began to speak and immediately connected. Music, fashion, our working class upbringings, football and then, our love of our dads. This young man, Jack, then told me that his dad, Dave, had died two years before, yet here he was speaking as if he was alive and well. Telling me stories of their endeavours and their love of Tottenham Hotspur.

Ben with Jack, Co-founder of The New Normal.

After 20 minutes he said his dad had died suddenly, of skin cancer when Jack was just 23. At this point I told Jack about my dad, Steve. I told him how he’d recently been diagnosed with a terminal brain tumour, and how my heart had broken when he had told me. I explained how I had been feeling and Jack related to much of my experience. At the end of the haircut we swapped numbers and soon began spending time together. Jack and I were both beginning to find a space for our grief.

Over the weeks and months that passed, Jack and I would get together for beers, dinner, to watch the football, haircuts and whatever else two young men in their 20’s might do. Each time we did, the pattern of our conversations would take the same shape. They would begin with work, relationship and then football, and when everything had been dealt with, we’d move on to our dads. I would tell Jack what was happening and he would listen and share from his own experience, and together, we would make sense of what we were going through. A space of honesty, without judgement or expectation – that is what we found in one another. A place that subdued my loneliness and made me believe that I could be my full and honest self.

After 13 months my dad died. With his family by his side, in a hospice in Southampton, he peacefully took his last breath. I was stood next to him as this happened, surrounded by family and yet again I felt completely and utterly alone. Isolated, cut off from the people stood only inches from me, all I wanted was my dad. He was my dad, I was his son, and I wanted to tell him I loved him one last time. As the nurses came into the small room and my family and I left, I felt a sense of relief and fear. I walked a little slower and stayed behind as we walked to the cars. I could feel myself wanting to speak to the only person who knew me – I wanted to speak to Jack.

The Beginning of The New Normal

In early 2018, Jack and I had a long conversation over dinner. Jack had been speaking with a therapist – one of the parts of his life he felt was missing was true community. He had me and other friends, but his identifier was as a young person in grief and he wanted people around him who reflected that back to him. He wanted to connect with others, like we had, and he asked me what I thought. Would I be interested in meeting others like me? Without a moment’s hesitation I told him that I would love for us to try and meet others. Like Jack, I wanted a community.

Ben with Jack, Co-founder of The New Normal.

Next, was to tell people about our plan, so we took to social media. Jack to Twitter, and myself to Instagram. We posted endlessly and we had so many responses! So many people wanted to join us for the first ever Good Grief meeting. We were so excited at the prospect of all of these people who, like us, were bereaved and wanted to speak about how they felt. Over and again the word lonely was stitched through the messages. People needed to feel like there was someone else out there who understood them. Like us, they wanted their community to help them heal in their grief.

When the evening came, both Jack and I were wrought with anxiety. I likened it to waiting to see if anyone might turn up to my birthday party! When we arrived at the room we set out chairs around the table. With no idea of how many people might arrive, we just estimated at the number of chairs. Maybe too many? Maybe not enough? One thing we had enough of as biscuits! In a panic we’d both bought several packets, hoping that many people would turn up and eat biscuits with us, and by 7:05pm, 5 other people had joined us in that room that night. As they sat down around the table with their tea and biscuits, Jack began to speak…

“Good evening everyone, welcome to the first ever Good Grief.
This space is a chance for you to speak honestly and openly, without judgement or expectation…”

Biography

Benjamin May is the co-founder of The New Normal Charity, a that creates peer support groups for bereaved adults around the world. His work has led him in to suicide prevention and the creation of mental health services and developing training for people to start their own peer support groups.

Ben is a keynote speaker and has spoken at a number of Government conferences on topics including isolation, loneliness, suicide, mens suicide, mens mental health, the mental health crisis, bereavement and the creation of services.

The New Normal Charity has supported thousands of people from over 30 countries, delivering over 1500 meetings since their very first meeting in north London just 6 and a half years ago.

You can contact Ben on the Hub username: BenMay
LinkedIn: Benjamin May
Website: www.thenewnormalcharity.org